It makes you feel so
worthless, so helpless.
Like you don't belong, like you don't fit
I have loved to sing ever since I could remember. When I was little
my mother bought me a little red, white, and blue stereo that had a
microphone with a yellow mouth-piece. Not knowing that it would stir up a
passion within me to sing.
I would play the cassettes that I had from
Disney movies (The Lion King being my favorite), lay out on the floor on my
stomach and write the songs down so that I could sing them over and over
I had always dreamed that one day I would come out with my own
music cassette and that some day I would travel the world and sing in some of
the largest stadiums and coliseums that could ever exist.
until I was 12 years old that I started writing my own songs.
singing in church... so the first song I had ever written was "Pray" which is on
my first album.
Yup! I said it! Album! When you want something bad
enough you go after it.
At first I started to write
But I knew from the very start that
those weren't the only songs I was going to write about.
And when I did,
I remember my very religious mother going through my song book, ripping pages
out and scribbling nonsense across my lyrics.
She even dared to tell me
one day that I couldn't sing.
I have come to accept the fact that not
everyone in your life is going to accept you. Not everyone has to.
have come to learn that not everyone is going to believe in you and everyone has
If you don't believe in yourself you will never get to where you
want to be!
As I got older and started to face and understand the
difficulties of life, my writing skills started to change. I started to write
songs that showed a more "vulnerable" side of me. I wasn't afraid to write these
kind of songs because although I was afraid to get hurt, I wasn't afraid to show
that I did. That I got through it and that I got over it.
One day I told
my father, "If I never make it as a successful recording artist, I would love to
write songs for other artist and be a successful songwriter."
response broke my heart. He said; "What do you mean if you never make it? You
will make it. Your songs are really good and not because you are my son - but
your songs are better than what's being played in the radio nowadays! Your songs
belong on TV and in movies. You work really hard. Don't you ever stop!"
For the past 4 years I have been trying to find a way into the wonderful world
I shouldn't have to twerk or show off my ass and balls to gain
some recognition. I have standards and more than enough respect for myself.
I don't want to fit in... but I want to stand out.
So what better way to
get recognized than exposure?
I have auditioned for American Idol... 3
The Voice... 3 times.
America's Got Talent... 4 times.
even tried to do something different and auditioned for the Latin show Q'Viva...
Year... after year... after year I was told "NO" by every
judge. I was even mocked by one of the American Idol producers. I guess he heard
the same damn song over and over again and was over the song (Or his life.)
I've also auditioned with original songs.
I've waited countless hours
in some of the longest lines, on some of the coldest days only to see the
producers tell thousands of hopefuls (some who are even more talented than me):
"We'll call you back." or "We've heard some powerful voices in this group today,
but you're just not what we're looking for."
I've submitted my newest
album (which I don't mean to toot my own horn, but it is top notch, very
professional, commercial and relatable) to different labels, entertainment
lawyers, entertainment managers, tv/film directors and producers, DJs, radio
stations and even agencies that do song placements for tv/film.)
I've honestly had no luck at all.
Earlier this week I saw one of the
biggest entertainment producers walk into his SUV. I had an album that was
signed for him (it read "Thank you for inspiring me." with my signature) only
because I wanted to give it to him as a gift.
He looked at me in my
face, wouldn't even touch it and told me to; "Submit it to the label." gave me
the address, rolled his window up as the driver drove away.
day after waiting outside for a few hours for a recording artist that I have admired for years to leave a radio station that she was being interviewed at, she
finally walks outside.
I told her that I was a big fan of her music and
that I would love to write a song for one of her upcoming albums... I then asked
her if I could give her a copy of my album so that she could listen to my work.
And with a smile on her face and the hope that was in my heart, she said "No,
thanks." and walked into her SUV.
The look on my face went from hopeful
to hopeless in a matter of seconds. Have these *stars* or the people we admire
forgotten where they came from?
I don't mean to talk down about her.
I'll still buy her albums and support her work.
She could've had
another engagement or a rough day... but it takes less than a second to take
something from someone's hand into your own and listen to it in your free
Do they not recall asking for a helping hand in the beginning
stages of their careers?
How many times is someone going to tell me
"No." "You can't do it." "You're Not Good Enough." or "You Should Pursue
Something Else." before I finally give in and throw in the towel?
seen so many people my age just give up on themselves and all of their work
because people with more experience or a bigger title make us feel like we're
not good enough.
Then again, if you're as hopeful as I am. If you
believe in yourself like I do? Or if you work as hard as I do...
How do you
let go? How do you just give up on yourself?
25 years old and I'm still
trying to find my place in this world. Find out where I belong. You can try and
crush my heart and dreams... But you'll honestly never stop me.
hurts me so much to write this.
I've been writing this with trembling hands
and tears flowing down my face, but if you're reading this and you have the
biggest passion to pursue your dreams and a burning fire in your heart to have
your work recognized, don't give up!
Not for me, not for anybody else...
but for you.